An habitual show of ostentatious piety

I went to Mass today.

It was a cross-community job. There was us Anglophonic Fenians, a bunch of french-speaking Taigs, a few Prods and some Romanian Orthodoxen.

We all knocked the shite out of each other for 45 minutes.

Only joking. We did a cross-community service. It'll be shown on CBC next week. It was dead nice. The Romanians did beautiful singing. Their altar boys wore wee blue Sergeant Pepper-style gilded outfits. A pony-tailed producer ran about telling people to fuck off.

Old women looked at me with Wee Chub-Chub and smiled. They pointed at her and crooned "Beau bebe... beau bebe! Il a quel age?". It's a wee girl, ya daft oul' hoors, I wished to say. Instead, I looked stoic and fatherly, and stared into the middle distance with a look of restrained religiosity and calm.

Wee Chub-Chub did a massive shite in the middle of Mass, and we had to change her. She did another one about twenty minutes later, so we changed her again. I didn't mind. I never mind. She could shite 400 times a day and I'd be happy to change her wee nappies. I love her.

It was nice. I might appear on TV. I didn't shave. I wore a stripy jumper. I should have made more of an effort. I had a hamburger and chips for lunch, after. It was in a Greek place. I really fucking enjoyed it. I finished mine first and took Chub-Chub for a dander about the restaurant.

Diners looked at me and cooed appropriately. Chub-Chub is a beautiful smiley wee girl, it has to be said. An elderly gentleman leaned toward me and said "Oh, beau bebe! Il a...".

He couldn't even finish his sentence as he winced from a Woody Woodpecker-esque series of headbutts. I dare say I even made Woody's famous "Cuh-Cuh-Cuh-Cuh-Cuuh!" as I gave them to him, but I can't be sure.

I fixed him with eyes of chipped granite as he lowered his gaze and nodded to himself, quietly assenting to what had happened. I returned to my place, and looked stoic and fatherly, staring into the middle distance with a look of restrained religiosity and calm.

PS- this is all true, except for the headbutt part. That didn't really happen.