Such, such were the joys

The first time you go somewhere, the journey seems to take much longer than it actually does. Every subsequent time you make the same trip, it seems much, much shorter.

I remember once going for a run that took several years to complete. I left at about 11 in the morning in 1978, and by the time I came back, it was 1986 and strangers were living in my house. The US government did all sorts of experiments on me, and Sarah Jessica Parker helped me escape from their clutches. It was class, but emotionally demanding. I wouldn't do it again.

Sounds a bit too fucking like Flight of the Navigator, you say? Not a bit. 

It's true though. All except the Flight of the Navigator bit. And before anyone comes up with the idea, I have a plan for a sequel, called "Shite of the Navigator". Very simply told, the young fella in question, now a man, goes for a shite one day and reappears 24 years in the past. All sorts of capers ensue, with him talking about the internet and all, and nobody having a fucking clue what he's on about. You heard it here first.

But I digress... The first time you go somewhere, the trip seems much longer than it actually takes. I've always found this to be true. This, and the fact that if you hear a new word, you'll hear the same new word about a million fucking times in the next few days.

This is true for anything, not just new words. 

The Queen, there's one. Tina mentioned to me something about the Queen the other day, now she's all over the fucking place. She's just an old woman. Her job must be shite. I wouldn't want to do it. Her children are twats.

But the Queen, though... Fuck me. On the BBC news, it says she went to a church somewhere, to give school dinners to wee imbeciles who did a play for her at a Sunday School. One fucking tube said "The Queen and the Duke spent a lot of time talking to the children and their parents. About 20 of them performed a version of Daniel and the Lion's Den for her. They practised so hard."

There is something unbearably poignant about the last sentence, is there not? Did her Majesty think it was shite?

-This is fucking dull, Philip

-Aye, a waste of fucking time

But ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls; they practiced so hard. So much practice. Such disappointment.

Read this news story for a good laugh: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/8503040.stm.

Read it and weep?

I am those children who practised so hard to entertain an unimpressed monarch. That is the NCWC. 

We do it for the free bangers and mash.