The Usual Owl Shite

I saw a crow pecking at a wig yesterday. The daft cunt must have thought it was a dead animal. Actually, he's not that daft. I thought the same. He pecked at it for about thirty seconds, then said "Fuck this" and flew up into a tree. A crow is as smart as me. Better, in fact. He can fly.

If you die, in the desert, or on a road, and no-one finds you, a crow will peck you and eat part of you. That's what happens! So watch out. It wouldn't be nice. Crows are fast fuckers. Vultures are a kind of bird like a giant crow, only more vicious. They are worse than crows. You have been warned.

Owls, on the other hand, are wonderful creatures. They only eat mice, at night. They can turn their heads 360 degrees. Barn owls are white. They are scary, and don't live in barns. They don't eat dead humans. The french word for owl is hibou.

Do you remember I visited that owl's nest during the Olympics? Well, I went back. I had to print some things for my new job. The owl was dead-on. He smoked while I printed up my documents. He said he'd give me a lift home. I said I wasn't going home, I was going to the restaurant. He said he'd give me a lift.

-Alright, where to?

-The usual place, I barked.

-Righty-ho.

The owl took me to my usual haunt.

-Cheers!

-No bother.

The big white cunt flapped his wings, did a shite and flew off. Dirty bastard.

I sauntered into the restaurant like a Mafia Don.

-Your usual table, sir?

-Aye, please

-And your usual drink?

-Yeah...!

-Excellent.

I sat at my usual table, and the waiter brought me my usual drink. I thanked him in my usual fashion, and he gratefully accepted my meagre tip, as he usually does.

I sat for a while, contemplating the stale emptiness of my heart and mind, as I had done a thousand million times before, in this very spot.

The waiter came over with his wee notepad and pen.

-And what will you be having tonight, sir?

-The usual.

The waiter sighed bitterly.

-You are a right boring cunt, you know that?

-Fuck you! I flew in here on a giant barn owl, ya cunt.

He had to agree with me there.